isn't it funny how sometimes the very thing that's so fabulous in your life scares the complete shit out of you if you really start to analyze it?

i guess what i mean is that i often think certain ideas and situations are absolutely fabulous as long as i maintain a certain level of emotional disconnect from them. why is it that when i start to allow myself to engage in people and situations emotionally that i start to become nervous about what terrible thing could happen as a result?

i don't know if i can articulate what i mean by all of this, but it's like as long as i don't analyze why something works or why i'm having fun in a situation where i know i'm disconnected, i can continue to be disconnected and still have "fun." i put "fun" in the quotes here, because i often quesiton how much "fun" one is having if it isn't real - if it isn't genuine and on a soul-to-soul level, how much "fun" are you really having if you can't allow that realness to exist?

i guess i start to analyze my level of disconnect in the first place because i wish i didn't have to keep an emotional distance between me and the experience. i've learned to keep this distance between me and the experience - or worse - me and the other person as a way to keep myself from getting hurt. the unfortunate thing is that sometimes this is absolutely maddening, because i want to be completely open and vulnerable, but by the same token, there are many instances where it is almost required that we do not open ourselves up and allow for the emotional distance to close.

-m