A New Phase

Maridath and I just spent a fantastic weekend together and rocked it like only the two of us could. Unfortunately, it had been 6 months since we'd last seen each other, so we were worse than two lovers separated for a time. But I guess in our own way we ARE two lovers. . . if you saw us interact, you'd get it. So the main reason for the visit...My UNwedding, as we called it, or Brent Who? or Savannah Slut Fest 2008 (SSF2k8) a fabulous celebration of freedom and an amazing future ahead. It was great. Thursday was spent getting nasty, with multiple meanings, on the dance floor at one of our favorite spots here in Savannah. The night life totally made up for the day time, when my car died, we were saved by a tow truck angel, made it to the beach for 20 mins before a severe thunderstorm came, and we took shelter at a local restaurant and stuffed ourselves with fried shrimp and talked about coming here when we're older. It all worked out because we were together. Anyway, Saturday night was the big night, with dinner and bar hopping with about 20 totally different, but equally wonderful people! Through my crappy situations life has thrown at me, I've been lucky enough to see how truly wonderful my friends are, and can be. Saturday was no exception. And I felt so loved. Except I was annoyed that a guy I had been crushing on (yeah, like middle school) was suddenly making out with some chick he just met, when all he was saying to me is how he might become a freakin priest. I had already decided he was a little to "perfect" for me anyway, but he just proved to be like any other guy I've ever met. Glad I haven't been sitting around waiting on him. Anyways, he certainly didnt ruin my evening, it was just annoying. Like being bloated.
So the new phase I mentioned in the title is that Maridath and I are both moving this week. I'm moving out to the islands and out of the ghetto, and I'll be in my new place through the holidays while I take a few classes. Maridath is moving with her family to Boston, or just outside of. We will no longer be centralized in Macon, GA anymore. In January, I'll be moving out to Santa Fe, NM for grad school, and though we've done long distance, we've never been that far away. I don't like not knowing when I'll see her again, but I know its only a question of when, not if. And I'm excited, we're getting the ball rolling on our lives post-college!!

Weddings and shit....

I know its that time of year, but really....I guess I should give you a little background info first. In august 07 my long term boyfriend proposed and I quickly began planning a wedding since it was going to be a crazy year as I finished up college. I had it almost completely planned, even found the perfect dress, on sale! and then what happens? He flipping Cheats on me!! 6 long fucking years. And it comes down to that. I was crazy about him, but he stomped on my heart anyway. Therefore, I'm quite bitter and cynical at this point and I'm about sick of weddings and engagements. Its beyond aweful to get to the point where you think you're done, this is it, this is who I'm going to be with forever, and SMACK, just kidding! Game over.

I'm in a grumpy-weird, eating lots of ice cream, kind of mood because I had to go to a wedding today. The third since the whole breakup thing. I do have to stop and remind myself that this has been the best thing thats ever happened to me, I got my life back. BUT....its still alot of hurt to deal with. I mean, I still have that freaking perfect wedding dress and I can't even go in my closet because its in there. I really want to feel completely happy for the couples, but part of me wants to scream "Why me?!!!" I know that there is no way I'd really want to be getting married in two weeks (our wedding date was June 21st) especially to him, but of course I'm jealous that these people get to carry on all happy.

I need to stop and focus on the good things before I freak out. . .
Since I'm not getting married, I can now go to graduate school, which he wasn't going to "let" me do. I can get the degree I need to have my dream job and therefore do something that I love everyday. My personality has intensified since I left him, and I feel more like myself than ever before. I've tried things I never would have done with him. I've even given in to a couple of fantasies ;0) As Third Eye Blind put it, "I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive."
I'm antsy for a relationship again. But I need to just let it happen.

*phew*

oh my goodness...i'm glad that's over. now they can get to work on uniting the party. Hillary, i always defended you in mixed company, but this was just insane. i'm glad you came around and gave a brilliant speech. now hopefully they'll all get behind barack.

isn't it funny how sometimes the very thing that's so fabulous in your life scares the complete shit out of you if you really start to analyze it?

i guess what i mean is that i often think certain ideas and situations are absolutely fabulous as long as i maintain a certain level of emotional disconnect from them. why is it that when i start to allow myself to engage in people and situations emotionally that i start to become nervous about what terrible thing could happen as a result?

i don't know if i can articulate what i mean by all of this, but it's like as long as i don't analyze why something works or why i'm having fun in a situation where i know i'm disconnected, i can continue to be disconnected and still have "fun." i put "fun" in the quotes here, because i often quesiton how much "fun" one is having if it isn't real - if it isn't genuine and on a soul-to-soul level, how much "fun" are you really having if you can't allow that realness to exist?

i guess i start to analyze my level of disconnect in the first place because i wish i didn't have to keep an emotional distance between me and the experience. i've learned to keep this distance between me and the experience - or worse - me and the other person as a way to keep myself from getting hurt. the unfortunate thing is that sometimes this is absolutely maddening, because i want to be completely open and vulnerable, but by the same token, there are many instances where it is almost required that we do not open ourselves up and allow for the emotional distance to close.

-m

we are the ones we've been waiting for. we are the changes that we seek.

This is it. We've all been hoping so much the past five months for an end to the hotly-contested democratic party primaries, and now they're officially over. It would be a lie to say that I didn't have chills when Obama spoke last night in Minneapolis to that packed arena - and announced that he accepted the party's nomination for President of the United States. What is so special to me about Barack Obama is not all the media hype surrounding him, but how genuine he looks when he smiles. He speaks simply to his audience, yet doesn't talk down to them. Unlike other politicians that I've heard over the years, he doesn't talk about what he will be doing in office, but rather what we will be doing as a coalition of young voters - I see him more as a movement leader than as a figurehead, and this is a welcomed change. I urge everyone to sit down and listen to one speech given by him - if it doesn't make you hopeful and restore your faith and love in America, then I'm not sure anything will.


http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xxa0ihsoiYI

yes we can, and here's how.

-M